January Spotlight: Shelley Rose Kapur
Every month, we will be spotlighting a creative with whom we have worked and whom we admire. We will be showcasing poems, monologues, and short stories by these writers. We are so excited to be able to share these voices with you!
First up is *drumroll please* Shelley Rose Kapur!
Shelley is a recent graduate of Preparation Performance Academy in the UK. Despite graduating during the COVID pandemic, she was signed by two agents: one for acting and one for stage combat. She is currently working towards more stage and screen combat work. Her goal for 2021 is to finish one of her writing projects.
Follow her here:
Instagram : @_shelleyrose
Let it go.
Actually fuck that she says,
We are going to make you reckless,
Let’s be Careless,
Lets get drunk
Lets take a toke
Inhale the smoke
And pretend you aren’t a joke.
You see my depression and I have a very weird relationship
It's like having a friend with benefits,
Doesn’t love me but she wants to fuck with me.
Enjoys watching me toil with what could go wrong and what could go right.
Has private jokes with me that only we understand.
She will stand behind me when I look in the mirror
reminds me that my legs aren’t that long,
stomachs not that small,
skins not that clear,
suddenly im back that being that 14 year old whose banging her head against the walls
16 and my insecurities are now forming voices,
18 and sheading skin and watching the blood pour out from my veins is more comforting than talking to my best friend.
20 and I’ve been diagnosed with depression
Its 2017 summer and im doubting if I’m going to make it through till September.
I can hear the echo of her laughter,
She’s making the walls shake,
She’s trying to take control of the house that is us,
But she is not me.
She does not complete me.
She is there but she does not make me who I am.
It’s like I’m playing tug of war in my mind,
There is this internal battle,
Rights and wrongs
Yes’s and nos
Do’s and donts
But I know that I own my life,
I have control.
I do not sleep with my illness,
So please do not paint me as a melchanolic blue and give me that sympathetic look.
But remember no matter how hard I try she can sneek up on me on a Tuesday night,
I can be in bed and she crawls in at 3am,
Clasps her hands around my waist,
Pulls me in and whispers into my ear that I am not worthy.
I mention the word depression to someone and they start looking at me in a different way
I am not a lost puppy
I am a fighter,
Okay I am not Christina agularia but she was right,
I am a fighter,
We are all fighters in our own lives.
Lives that demand to be lived and not only survived.
I know that some days are easier than others,
You are preaching to the choir here,
It is a constant battle,
But my god you are not alone.
Open your eyes depression, anixitey, bipolar these are not taboo subjects,
They are a subjects of today,
They are within our surroundings,
If you are agreeing with what’s been said,
Understand the darkness of my words you’ll know you’re not alone.
I’m not your guru
I’m not your Ghandi
I’m just a 23 year old girl who still to this day cannot believe she is alive and still here.
I am my own salvation and you are yours too.
“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love some body else”